"Giving myself the right not to be okay, kept me."

My earliest childhood memory is my preschool graduation and standing outside of my parents room, as my dad beats the hell out of my mother. Most of my childhood is blurry, I’m 24 years old and I have repressed memory. I honestly can’t remember seeing my father beat my mom or sibling but I do remember flashes right before and after he did. Me… he never beat me.

So according to my family, I have no reason to complain, no reason to be sad, no reason to be upset.

So, I lived most of my life believing that since I wasn’t abused the same way as the rest of my family, I was weak because I had panic attacks and depression. Once, I went for help (non licensed therapist) and I spoke to her about my rejection issues (cause boy did I have it), she said “others have it worse than you”. I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t matter. I tried to commit suicide when I was young because I honestly was over life. I wasn’t able to sleep for weeks and every night I was only able to get about 2 hours in.

So one night, I got up numb and walked out of my room like a zombie to kill myself, but I didn’t, and I pray, hope and plead with everyone reading this, that you won’t as well. Jesus came, I felt his presence and it took a while before I could have a sensible sleep pattern but eventually I did.

Your family may never understand you (mine still don’t), the people who hurt you may never apologize (mine still haven't) but… you could still be happy.

Today, I am really happy and I didn’t think I ever would be. And it is because of Jesus that I got better. I felt led to develop my relationship with God that night and every night since. I relapsed about 9 years later and went into a deep state of depression(I used to still have some moments prior but this was like a full year). I got a therapist who rocks and I draw closer to God. You see, I lived internationally when I was young; so, there wasn’t any suicide hotlines and I couldn’t get counselling.

So hear me clearly when I say that the depression, the feeling of rejection and hopelessness didn’t end overnight. Nope, but something did switch when I leaned on Jesus. I accepted his love, protection, friendship and counsel. Abba’s love truthfully was the only thing that stopped me from committing suicide.

Getting a therapist, talking to friends, sharing my story, learning my triggers, taking time off, getting into a healthy community and giving myself the RIGHT not to be okay, kept me.

- Alie, 24