"If only I had opened up sooner."

I was 13 when I first realized that I liked the same sex. It wasn't a feeling or a sensation that was there from one day to the other but it was the day that I realized I found another woman attractive. I was in seventh grade and we got a new teacher in Biology and Chemistry and I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I soon told one of my best friends about that and she reacted extremely well to it. She was asking a lot of questions about how I knew that I liked my teacher and I told her that  I just knew it, that it was different than everything I felt before. I didn't like that she mentioned the word "lesbian" because it reminded me of my mother calling a football player on TV a faggot, I didn't like it cause I was thinking that my female friends would be scared that I will fall in love with them now. I didn't like it cause I didn't want a person to put a label on me what I couldn't even label myself. Was I a lesbian? That's what I was asking myself every day. I suddenly cared a lot about how I looked in school and what I was wearing. I think I never looked as feminine as I did that time just to impress that woman.  I would have never thought about telling her how I felt even though a year ago I told a male teacher that I liked him and didn't care about it at all. The whole class knew about it and it was no big deal. It was 'normal'. But for my younger self liking a teacher of the same sex or even finding a teacher of the same sex attractive was not normal. So for 2 years until I was 15 I just kept this to myself and didn't tell anyone.

The problem was that after I turned 13 I started keeping everything to myself.

My best friend then moved away when I just turned 14 and all of a sudden a rain of misfortune fell right on my face.

The same year, I found out that my mother had an affair with a man and my sister's dancing partner killed himself. All these events came and broke my whole perfectly "normal" world into pieces. As a result, I didn't feel like telling anything to my family because I didn't want to be a burden to them and give them even more trouble.

I didn't feel comfortable enough to ask for help, to talk to someone about it or to ask my parents to get me professional help. Trying to fake happiness when you actually feel like your whole world is breaking apart was nothing that a 14 year old could bear for too long. I started to physically harm myself. I remember crying and hitting the bed, myself and the wall not knowing what to do with all the stress. My head was exploding. I hated myself at that time because I felt unwanted, not needed and so hopeless. 

My sister had her boyfriend, my father was working 50 hours a week, my mum was having her affair and my best friend had just moved away. Who could possibly care about me?

I was thinking a lot about god and church and about my grandma, especially about what she might think about me cutting myself and being a lesbian. I feel grateful that church always taught me that God loves us all and that we will all go to heaven if we don't do harm to others.

When I was 16 I started to exercise at night to relieve some stress, to feel more comfortable with myself and with my own body. I realized that I needed to talk to someone with the same kind of thoughts and feelings. I started a Self-Help Group on Facebook which enabled me to talk to people around Germany about their struggles including self-harming. As I created this group I found the strength to tell my best friend that I did harm myself and that I liked women. Unfortunately, She wasn't reacting too positively. She was telling me not to fall in love with her and was just making fun of the whole situation. I was crying while telling her and even though her reaction was not the best, I still felt relieved that she accepted me for who I am. One of the people I texted with the most in my Self-Help Group was a 40 year old man. He always listened to me and was online 24/7 asking me how I felt and what I was struggling with in school and with my family. I really felt like I could trust him to the point that I even gave him my address and my mother's phone number in case of emergency. I was always afraid that something would happen out of nowhere, things like loosing my grandma or any family member. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it and was scared that I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore.

After some time, the man I was texting with threatened to tell my mother that I had self-harmed myself and that I was a lesbian if I ever stopped texting him. 

I felt so much pressure. I thought my world was whole again since I had accepted the fact that I liked women, but I didn't want to come out to my family yet. At that time I was only 17. In order to keep my secret I had to continue texting him and being in touch with him 24/7. Nevertheless, after one more year I couldn't stand the pressure anymore. I started telling him lies in order to get out of what he called "friendship". I told him I was raped by a man, so I didn't want to have anything to do with men anymore. I even threatened him myself telling him that if he tells my mother my secrets I will not consider him my friend anymore.

I wanted to come out to my family by myself. I didn't want him to have control over my life and my decisions. 

I turned 18 years when I started texting a girl that I met over a platform called YouNow. It was as if I found my soulmate. She accepted me for who I am, listened to me and understood how I felt about coming out to my family. She told me the relationship I had with this man was toxic and that I should immediately stop texting him in order to be happy again. And that's exactly what I did. I surly did not expect that he was so determined to destroy my life if I ever ended the friendship but I certainly was wrong.  He reported and blocked the Self-Help Group which by that time had 5000 members, wrote posts on my Facebook wall, texted my friends there, including the girl I just met, and he even erased his own Facebook account. Things escalated quickly when he called my mother .

He told her everything, even the lie of me being raped. That day my mum cried thinking that I had actually been raped. It was devastating for her and for me as well.

One day he texted me via SMS,  because that was the only way I wasn't able to block him, and told me that he had had a nice chat with my mum.  I was shocked and felt torn apart. The same day as I came home, I ran to my mum and told her that I had not been raped. At that time, I didn't care if he told her that I was a gay or harmed myself. The only thing I cared about was the clarifying the lie of being raped. I learned that day that your family always got your back even if you think they are conservative and that they won't accept you being part of the LGBTQ community. Your family loves you more than you think. And you should tell them how you feel and what is on your mind before someone else takes that decision away from you.

The same day I told my mum everything that had happened with that guy. She didn't say anything and just listened. I didn't come out to her. 

A month later I asked the girl I met to be my girlfriend. I had never felt butterflies with anyone before and never felt this close and loved by anyone in my life but with her. She lives on the other side of the world but that didn't change my feelings for her. I was and still am so in love with her. As I want to spent the rest of my life with her, I started to think about how on I should  ever tell my parents that I am in love with a woman. Would they accept it? Would they kick me out?

A month later my mum caught me at 3 AM awake, still talking to that girl. She had told me that  she had heard me multiple times staying up way too late and that she would throw my laptop out the window if I didn't tell her what was going on. I was frustrated and angry.

Why was it so hard to tell my mother that I was in love, that I liked women, that I wasn't the perfect daughter she probably had wished for? I decided to write my mother a letter and explain myself, my feelings, my thoughts, finally coming out to her despite my fear of being rejected. 

It didn't turn out very well. She ignored me for two days and screamed at me, told me that she wished she had never born a second child and that I was a mistake. 

It hurt so much.

Because of the time change I couldn't reach my girlfriend so I went to my friend's house instead whom I had come out to first. She even asked me to stay over until my sister called me. My sister  told me my mum was crying. That I should come home and that we should talk about everything. I felt so bad, so selfish, that I hadn't thought about telling my sister that I was gay. Even though I know that she would have accepted it, I was scared that she would have told my parents. I went home crying. As I came home I talked to my sister. She asked me why I never told her and asked me since when I knew. She made me promise to always talk to her and reach out to her if I ever have a problem.

That's when I realized: All these times that I thought I had no one my whole family would have been there, if only I had opened up sooner.

That day my mum talked to me too. She apologized for what she had said and told me she'd always love and support me no matter. My father came home from work and he reacted the same way.

I never felt so loved in my life. I finally had the support of my family.

Today, I am in a happy relationship with a woman, the love of my life, whom I am together with for four years now. I could have never imagined being so happy and open about my relationship as I am now. I still hesitate to tell anyone about it but if they ask me if I'm in a relationship with a woman I would proudly tell them that I am. The only close person to me not knowing is my 94 year old grandma. Growing up during world war II was not the best so I assume she is not as open minded as my parents.

My parents are still very conventional when it comes to talking about my relationship neither do they tell their friends nor relatives of us. My family still has to get used to the thought of me getting married to my current girlfriend but they support me where they can as they even accepted my girlfriend. I couldn't be happier with the situation now, knowing that my whole family always has my back. 

Half a year ago I started at a new job. I was still afraid at my old work with a lot of older co-workers to open up and tell about my relationship, so I never did. At my new work everyone is around 20-30. I'm not a person who tells people actively that I am in a relationship with a woman but my co-workers asked me from their side and didn't have any problem with me being with a woman. I was very well accepted at my work and I was and am so happy about that. All of them are very open minded and very supportive when it comes to my relationship.

Advice I have for anyone going through a similar situation:

• If you feel that your friends are not supportive or even toxic then don't chase after them. Don't try to please them. Don't try to be someone else. They should rather accept you for how you are or else they are not true friends.

• Don't keep things to yourself. Talk to someone about how you feel about your mental health and your feelings and even if it is just your sibling, cousin or aunt. They are all family. 

• Make coming out your own choice and decide when you want to come out. Don't let anyone pressure you. Sometimes it is surprising how open minded people already are. 

• You don't have to define or lable yourself. I am in a relationship with a woman because I love the person, I don't know if I will ever fall in love with the opposite sex but as it is for now I am sure it won't change as I am still happily in love with my current girlfriend. I'm not calling myself a lesbian, I don't want to put myself in a box or folder.

Love is love, so just stay true to yourself. 

If I could tell my younger self anything:

I would tell myself to open up to my family. To my sister at least and to get professional help. She herself went to a psychologist because of the friend who committed suicide and I view it as something that had made her stronger. 

Stigmas I want to clarify: 

• Not all lesbian have short hair.

• Pride is still needed.

• We have not the same rights as heterosexual couples just because we can get married now (child being automatically the child of the married partner with heterosexuals, homosexuals have to adopt their partners child).

- Anonymous (F, 22)