"One word has changed the way people view me: Schizophrenia"

The world can be a scary place when you have mental illness. Stigma, fear, and discrimination run through the blood of all of us. People are afraid of people with mental illness and of developing mental illness. One word has changed the way people view me: Schizophrenia. This word is sometimes considered one of the worst things that can happen to someone, and it happened to me. 

          I have schizoaffective disorder, a disorder on the schizophrenia spectrum. It’s considered to be schizophrenia plus a mood disorder (for me: depression). Fortunately, we caught mine early. It’s so important to catch these things early, especially psychotic disorders, as they can get really bad really fast. 

          Having psychosis does not make me a bad person or scary. Honestly, if you were a friend or acquaintance, you’d have no idea I had it, unless you happen to meet me during a bad episode.

I’m sure you want to hear about the scary parts of schizophrenia. That’s what most people find interesting. They want to see the hallucinations and the movies about psychotic villains. But to be honest, those aren’t the most accurate portrayals. Let me tell you what a day in the life of a schizoaffective is like without meds.

          Back in 2016, I went through my first psychotic experiences. It has always been worse at night for me. I went about my days as anyone would, except with depression. There was this sinking and dreadful feeling inside my heart that kept me from fully enjoying life at that point. I was only 15. I felt incredibly lost and confused. 

          I used to think the universe was speaking to me. Everything I saw was a sign that I was important, special, godly. This should have been the first sign that I was psychotic, but I never mentioned it to my therapist. I didn’t think it was abnormal at all. I really thought I was this godly person, a guardian angel. I never told a soul about it. I was scared they would find out my secrets and hunt me down. This used to make me cry almost every night. 

         Hallucinations happened for me around the age of 16, but stopped after being put on meds. They weren’t like people think. I didn’t see killer clowns or monsters or hear angry voices. I saw snow falling inside my house and laughed and enjoyed the fact that it was somehow winter in summer.

I heard a baby call me it’s mother and I believed it. I knew my future son was reaching out to me to say hello. These hallucinations didn’t bother me, but some did. The voices of women telling me to wake up, telling me I’m in a coma, these voices convinced me to self harm to try and wake up. Laying in bed at night, I felt like I was floating on the ocean, my room would move from side to side. These bothered me. They kept me from sleeping. They kept me from living a normal life. 

          Now, I’m working with an APRN to get me on different meds. Antipsychotics have pretty much saved my life. My delusions have gotten worse since 15 or 16. I start to believe people are out to get me or that my legs have been replaced with someone else’s. My mom is a life saver; she comforts me until I fall asleep some nights. I couldn’t imagine life without her. 

A NOTE TO MY YOUNGER SELF:

You are not crazy. Your worst fears will come true, but you will survive them and you will continue to survive them. Don’t let anyone take away your happiness. It’s ok to smile. 

A NOTE TO OTHERS WITH PSYCHOSIS:

You are not crazy. You are not scary. You are not alone. Please find your safe space, whether it’s a loved one, home, a stuffed toy, a pet, or sunshine. You can survive this. 

A NOTE TO OTHERS WITHOUT PSYCHOSIS:

We are not crazy. Someone you know probably deals with psychosis and you have no idea. Stay strong and help others when you can. 

          I wanted to share my story here because it’s always important to share and spread awareness about things. It’s ok to not be ok. You don’t have to be perfect all the time. If you need validation or support, you can reach me at my Instagram @mentalhealth.space !

- Emily, 19