"You are worth fighting for."

My freshman year of high school, I went to lunch with a friend and he asked me to list two things that I like about myself…he said he wouldn’t leave until I came up with an answer. So, what did we do? We sat there for over 30 minutes in awkward silence until he had to leave because I couldn’t even think of one thing I liked about myself. Not one thing.

So I decided I was going to change that. I was going to “fix” myself so that I could actually like who I was. I thought that in order to do this, I needed to lose a bunch of weight (in all honestly, it wouldn’t have hurt to lose a couple pounds, but the 50 pounds I wanted to lose was EXTREMELY unhealthy). I started starving myself, only letting myself eat at most one meal a day. Anytime I would get hungry, I would just drink a bunch of water instead. I also started over exercising as a way to either lose weight or to punish myself if I felt like I ate more than I should have.

At the same time, I had a “friend” of mine (we’ll call her Sophie) tell me that she thought of me as her best friend. This was huge for me because I was never anyone’s first choice. I always thought that people hated me and just kept me around because they felt bad for me. I felt like I was the charity case that people pitied. So having Sophie choose me as her best friend was just insane. I decided that I had to do whatever it took to keep her around. Nobody else would ever choose me, so I had to keep tricking this girl into thinking I was worth sticking with.

About a month later, Sophie told me that she was bisexual and that she had a crush on me. Now, I have no problem with people being attracted to the same sex, but I am not. I have no romantic interest in women, and I told her that. She started just joking about kissing me, and I would kind of awkwardly laugh it off and tell her no. Then it turned more from joking to suggesting to asking to forcing. She didn’t care that I wasn’t attracted to her. She didn’t care that she made me feel uncomfortable. She just wanted what she wanted and she was determined to get it. No matter how many times I told her no, she would just push harder. And I was torn because I didn’t want to screw up the friendship. I felt like I had to keep it and that if I didn’t give her what she wanted, she would leave me behind and find someone who would. Eventually, she took what she wanted, but it was ok, it was just a kiss, right? Until a kiss wasn’t enough.

She continued to push and push and push until she was taking everything I could give her.

I hated every single moment of it. I never wanted any of it. Every time it was over, I would bawl my eyes out. I so desperately wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t because she was my “best friend.” So instead, I turned the hatred towards myself. I hated that I was so weak. I hated that I let her do those things to me day in and day out. I even became her roommate, which gave her 24-hour access to me.

I needed a way to let the anger and hatred out, so I started self-harming. It started just doing it when she would take advantage of me, but then it became a daily thing. I hated myself, and I hated my life. That was the only way I knew how to get the tension out, to relieve the emotional and mental pain that I was feeling. Sophie controlled my life. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I wasn’t allowed to date. Any time she found out that I went on a date with a guy, she would spend hours in our room yelling at me about how much she f***ing hated me and how I was the worst friend she’d ever had. I just sat on the floor, crying, letting her scream. If I wasn’t in class, I had to come home and be with her. If she was at work at Chick Fil A, I had to sit at a table and do my homework there so I could be there, ready for her 30-minute break. I had no control over my life.

This situation continued on for 2.5 years. I went to therapy, but I never had the courage or strength to leave the friendship or move out. When Sophie wasn’t taking advantage of me or screaming at me, we had a really great time together! So I just told myself that she was a really great friend most of the time and that was worth it. I just thought that was the “price” of having a best friend.

After 2.5 years, Sophie graduated from undergrad and moved out of state for a job. She continued to call me every single day, and if I didn’t make at least one or two hours for her, I would get the same screaming punishment. I’d sit on the floor of my room being constantly yelled at over the phone. But, then she met a girl, and I no longer mattered to her. After everything I went through and did to keep that friendship, she dropped me so fast once she met someone else. I meant nothing once again. Not even giving everything I had was enough.

I was left with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD flashbacks of her on top of me, an addiction to self-harm, eating disorder tendencies, and intense codependency issues. She was no longer there to hurt me, but I had so much hatred for myself and had been so damaged that it was not going away that easily.

At this time, I was getting my doctorate in physical therapy. I would go to school, pretend like life was perfect, and cry and self-harm in the bathroom during breaks. My parents didn’t know, my friends didn’t know, nobody knew. To the world, I was the happiest, most positive girl. On the inside, though, I felt literally nothing but pain and emptiness. I wanted to die. My self-harm was getting more intense and way more frequent. I finally opened up to one of my professors who had caught me crying in the bathroom on multiple occasions. I told her that my therapist had been encouraging me to admit into the behavioral health unit of the hospital for weeks. After a long discussion, I decided to go. I spent 4 days in the psych ward (they tried to keep me longer, but I refused to miss any more school), and I left feeling pretty good. However, it only lasted for about a month. Then I went right back to everything I had been doing before. This went on for another 6 months until I was seriously considering committing suicide. I felt like I had nothing to live for. Nobody would care, and I wouldn’t have to deal with this life anymore. It seemed like a win-win situation.

Luckily, I had built such an incredible relationship with my therapist, Megan. I love her with my whole heart, and I trusted her with my life. So, when she requested that I take a medical leave from school and go to an inpatient treatment center, I went for it. Don’t get me wrong, I fought her for awhile because school was my LIFE, but I decided to trust her eventually. I spent the next 45 days (now we’re at summer 2019) in the middle of nowhere in Wickenburg, AZ at The Claudia Black Young Adult Center at the Meadows Rehab Center and then the following 3 months at an outpatient center in Scottsdale. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Every day was intense work, every day was focused solely on my mental health.

I never worked so hard in my life. I cried, I got angry, I fought, but I put in the work. I did everything I was asked even though I didn’t think I deserved it.

I decided to give myself one more chance. I made some of the most genuine and vulnerable friends of my life, I did intense trauma therapy, and I challenged the thought processes that I had ingrained in myself for years.

Not going to lie, at first I HATED IT. I was miserable and just so angry that I had to be there. But since I put in the effort anyways, I go so much out of it. I learned so many different techniques to use when I wanted to self-harm, I learned how to handle my panic attacks, I learned how to express my feelings and be vulnerable, and I learned how to talk to my family about my mental health issues. I wouldn’t say that the program was “fun” by any means, but I can never express how grateful I am for it. I also wouldn’t say that I left the program cured, but it definitely saved my life. I am confident that if I had not put my life on hold and took the time to gain some healing and put in the work, I would have either continued to live in misery or I wouldn’t have continued to live at all. I couldn’t keep going with the constant thoughts of dying.

I couldn’t keep letting my self-harm progress further and further. I couldn’t keep hating myself.

I’ve been out of rehab for about 9 months now, and I am a totally different person. I went back to school and started my internships, I began going to 12 step meetings so I could continue to be around people who I could relate to and who would understand my feelings and struggles, I joined a health program that provided me a small group of women to love and support me in my mental and physical health journey, and I started living a more authentic life. I never would have thought I would ever be happy. I thought best case scenario I would live life feeling numb so at least I wouldn’t be in so much pain. But guys, I FREAKING LOVE MY LIFE! I’m in love with my job, and I get so excited every morning to get up and get going. I work out 5 days a week, and it kicks my butt in the best way (I finally have a healthy relationship with exercise). I have started eating healthier and treating my body the way it deserves to be treated.

I became a health coach in the program I mentioned earlier, and one of the other coaches said something that has absolutely stuck with me and is now my life motto: “You will never regret showing up for yourself.” How true!!! Every time that I’ve decided to get up and do that workout or cook that meal or take that shower I have never once regretted it and thought, “I wish I had just laid in bed and watched Netflix all day.” But time and time again if I lay in bed and watch Netflix all day, I always wish that I had actually gotten up and done something. So, I remind myself of that every single day. I choose to do what I know is good for me whether or not I want to do it. I challenge you to take on that same mind set.

You are worth fighting for. You are worth the effort it takes to get healthy. You deserve to have a life that you’re excited for. Even if it seems impossible, you CAN create that life!

- Susan, 25